FUNNY EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation
- just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes
taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.
Just be glad that your annual evaluation never included terms
Or, did it?
1 "Since my last report, this employee
has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but
more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts,
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold
it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's
the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other
is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
- Only your Boss really
knows you for sure!
But He REALLY Means...
Think about the last time you went to see
your Family Practitioner, or even a Specialist. At some point
during his examination of you, he uttered something. Perhaps
it was a simple, "Huh" or even muttered a complete sentence.
I'm here to decipher what he really meant to say to you. And,
surprise of all surprises - it's not good!
"Well, what have we
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time.
"If it doesn't
clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what in the Hell it is. Maybe it'll go away by itself.
your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before I spend any
more time with you.
"Well, now, we
have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW Roadster Convertible.
The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Let me schedule
you for some lab tests."
I have a forty percent interest in my referrals to this Lab.
"Let's see how
Maybe in a few days, it'll grow into something that will really
need to be cured.
"There's a new
drug out for this. I'd like you to try it."
I'm writing a paper (or receiving a grant) and would like to use
you for a guinea pig.
a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
The last time I saw something like THAT, it was floating in a
jar of formaldehyde.
"This may smart
Last week, two patients almost bit off their tongues they were
in so much pain.
fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
Here goes. Hope it works...
seems to be normal."
Damn! Guess I can't buy a timeshare for that new beach condo,
"I'd like to
run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe that kid in the lab can
solve this one.
"Let's send you
over for a chest X-ray."
Since the blood work came back negative, we're gonna try anything
to find something wrong with this bastard.
"My Nurse Practitioner
will follow up with you next week."
If I can bill his insurance $400 for a simple 20-minute visit
- hey, why not?
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